I was recently very ill. On top of a severe bout of manflu I had a tickly cough and a slightly inflamed toe. Seeking comfort and convenience, I turned to soup. A tin of Sainsbury’s Chicken Noodle Soup seemed to provide all the answers to my health questions.

But I was to be disappointed. My “chicken noodle soup” contained microscopic fragments of chicken, but NO NOODLES!

Clearly, the rubicon has been crossed. No wonder the Guardian is offering tips to survive an apocalypse. What does society have left if even soup is telling lies? There are no standards. The Daily Mail is right: Britain is broken.

(Picture courtesy of Karmalize)

Drugs is cheese

I’ve seen people sweating because they needed a fix of cheese . I’ve seen people gently brush past an elderly relative because they were desperate to get to the cheese board. That’s the kind of depravity you might expect from some sort of heroin junkie. But I kid you not: I have seen people willing to brush past their own grandmother, just to get their fix of rotten, processed milk.

But now I know why. It’s time to lock up the Dairylea. Ban the brie. Incinerate the stilton. Because cheese is full of drugs! Junkies can stop resorting to illegal drug pumpers to buy a noxious blend of poppy sap and Ariel Powerball 3-in-1 MegaTablets, because cheddar, camembert and gorgonzola are stuffed with opium!

Down with cheese!

No wonder the chattering classes enjoy a wooden board coated with cheese after a nice meal! Now knowing what I now know, that tray of cheese looks like a rack of dirty needles, dripping with filthy smack. You may as well go to McDonalds and request a CrackBurger.

I look forward to our government prohibiting this gushing stream of narcotic elation. Please join the petition to ban cheese drugs by commenting below. Your comment will help safeguard a less drugged-up, de-cheesed future for our children.

(Picture courtesy of Jo Anslow)