Words by me

So, we survived Christmas. Just.

Christmas is kind of nice, in theory, but it has some troubling aspects:

• It’s supposedly a religious festival, but we’re all atheists now.
• Families are forced together for an unnaturally long period of time.
• Christmas is an ugly orgy of conspicuous consumption.

Fixing Xmas

How can we fix Christmas?

• Make it illegal to mention Xmas prior to 1 December.
• Make it illegal to sell anything Xmas-related prior to 1 December.
• Take Christ out of it and call it “Xmas”, “Chrimbo” or “Festimal”.
• Encourage families to replace the usual drawn-out dinner with Flash-Xmas, which is lots of fun and only lasts 30 minutes.
• Encourage families to replace the traditional shower of gifts with a universal Secret Santa program, wherein every man, woman and child buys and receives one gift.
• Tell children that the ‘nativity scene’ is the ‘famous shed incident’ in which homeless people were given soup in an ancient shed.